Animals

Animals are ruining my life.  Have you ever noticed how enthusiastic animals are about morning?  They wake up and start running around making noise for no reason.  They're all "Holy crap! I'm an animal and it's really fucking early in the morning and I feel great!!!!"

I haven't slept more than 5 hours in a night for over a week now and it's all because of one stupid bird that lives in a tree right outside my window. Here's a really shitty picture I drew of my house and the tree and the bird: 

This arrangement is a problem because I'm nocturnal and I go to bed at 4:00 AM and the bird wakes up three hours later and starts making sounds like a retarded alarm clock because it's so excited to be a bird.

The bird wakes up every other animal in the world and then all the animals are like "Yaaaaaayyyy!  We're animals and it's morning!" 

It is completely unnecessary.  

Sometimes I try to yell at them to get them to be quiet, but they're animals so they don't listen at all.  

I just end up lying in my bed getting madder and madder at them until I'm not even sleepy anymore and then I get up and make coffee and try to remember to go to the store to buy earplugs but that never happens because I start playing online bingo or something and I forget and pretty soon it's nighttime and I'm like "Shit! I didn't go to the store!" and I go to bed secretly hoping that maybe all the animals will get really depressed and they won't feel the need to tell the world about how excited they are, but no.  The moment there is even one fraction of a ray of sunshine in the sky, the bird is wide awake and ready to party.  

P.S.  It's Saturday, so I figured that I should probably post some Spaghatta Nadle.   I only made two because my brain was like "MMMMMNNNNEEAAAAARGGGHHHH!!!!NOOOOOOOOOO!" And I don't even know if any of this is making sense because I'm so tired that I'm high.

I blame animals.

XTREME MUSCLE PRODUCT!!!!

P.S. I have no idea what happens if you called that phone number.

U B Hatin'

Hi haters!  Welcome to my blog!

I seem to be rapidly approaching my goal of becoming an important part of the internet because I woke up this morning to a string of badly misspelled hate mail and syntax-free angry comments.  Normally, this would have made me crumple into a heap of trembling anxiety and self-hatred, but for the last few weeks, I have been secretly training to withstand superhuman amounts of hatred by hitting myself in the face with a bag full of bird carcasses, so I'm ready for this.

First of all, congratulations for noticing that I draw pictures!  Apparently, other people draw pictures too!  I know this because you have kindly informed me that I am copying Natalie Dee, XKCD, The Oatmeal, Nicholas Gurewitch and several 4Chan memes.

While I must admit to being influenced by all of those sources, I feel that the diversity and breadth of your accusations prove that I am not copying any one of them.  Also, I don't know if you've ever drawn anything, but there are a limited number of ways to draw a face.  I could draw something like this:

But that picture doesn't really make any sense.  No one would understand what I was even trying to do. 

Haters, you also pointed out that I wrote about cake and pie and that other people in the world have written about cake and pie too.  This is true.  I am sorry that I talked about something that other people have talked about before.  Please allow me to apologize by providing a preview of what it would look like if I only posted unique combinations of words that had never been talked about before:

That was stupid.  No one wants to read about that because it has no context and it doesn't even have any sentence-structure. I will never, ever, EVER intentionally copy someone else's work, but the internet is really big and no matter what precautions I take, chances are good that I will say something at some point that has been said before. That's just how statistics work. I am sorry.

Anyway, I have been told that if I want to do lots of shit on the internet and have lots of people see it, I will have to deal with haters.  Forever.  Luckily, I wrote this post and every time I get an email accusing me of stealing something or telling me that I suck or that I'm going to hell for swearing, I can simply reply with a link and then go about the rest of my day doing important things like blogging about pie and drawing pictures of bears.

P.S.  In the interest of fairness, I feel that I should also mention the overwhelming amount of positive feedback I've gotten in the last few days.  For every hate-filled email or comment I've received, there have been at least 100 supportive and wonderful emails/comments.  Even my rigorous hatred-withstanding training could not have gotten me through this without you guys.  Thank you.  You make me love the internet so much that my face hurts.

7 Games You Can Play With a Brick

If you have a brick or a pile of bricks, you may be thinking "bricks are really boring."  But you're wrong.   There are probably a million ways to have fun with a brick.   Here are seven of them.

1.  "Brick Tag"

The rules of brick tag are simple:  if you get hit by the brick, you're "it."  You can also play brick freeze-tag, but it is not recommended since a game involving blunt-force trauma to the head doesn't really need to be complicated by not being able to tell if your friends are dead or just not "unfrozen" yet.  

 

2. "Brick Roulette"

Have your friends stand in a circle around you.  Put on a blindfold.  Spin around as fast as you can while holding the brick with your arm fully extended to build up maximum force.  Let go.  

3. "Jump Over the Brick"

Put the brick on the ground.  Jump over it.  See how high you can jump.  

4. "Truth or Brick"

Tell the truth or get the brick.

5. "Drop the Brick"

Find something tall.  Go up on top of it.  Drop the brick.  

6. "Brick Conquerers"

Fuck the brick up.  Hit it with a stick, stab it with a sword, set it on fire - the goal is to inflict maximal harm on the brick. 

7. "Duck, Duck, Brick"

Cake Versus Pie: A Scientific Approach

I love cake.  Cake is wonderful.  But it is too easy to get caught up in the idea of cake.  When you compare the data, it is clear that pie is a better choice.  

1.  Ability of enjoyment to be sustained over time

The first few mouthfuls of cake are almost magical, but as eating continues, enjoyment drops off precipitously.  The enjoyment curve for pie appears to be much more stable over time.  

2.  Unequal frosting distribution is a problem

Pie exhibits much greater homogeneity than cake.  In cake, the highest concentration of awesomeness is found in the frosting.  The act of decorating a cake can polarize it and cause a dangerously uneven distribution of frosting, leading to discord and animosity during serving time.   

3.  Pie appears to contain a greater relative volume of enjoyable substances.  

4.  Pie is more scientifically versatile:

5.  Pie is relevant in a greater variety of situations:

Cake is appropriate in a very limited number of situations, whereas almost any day is a great day to have pie.  

6. Cake has much more severe, longer lasting consequences than pie:

UPDATE:  It's too early to tell whether this hybridization is the best idea ever or just dangerous and foolish:

Most likely it will either solve all the problems in the world or end humanity in a hyperglycemic blaze of glory. 

This Post is Brought to You by Spiders. And Logic.

I stayed up until 6:00 AM because when I tried to go to bed, I found two spiders on my blanket and I thought maybe there were more and maybe the entire blanket was full of spiders, so I put my blanket out in the hall and then waited for Boyfriend to wake up and go to work so I could use his sleeping bag which I arbitrarily decided was spider-proof. It seemed perfectly logical at the time.

Anyway, I woke up at ten and I thought it was at least noon, but no. It was ten. And then I was like "Shit. I only got four hours of sleep for no reason."

And that's why I'm posting some of my drawings that I found on my computer instead of a real blog post.