Hyperbole and a Half: famous

Dear Readers;

I had a really creative spurt today. I probably shouldn't say "spurt", but whatever.

Anyway, I wrote, like, 75 letters to things, people and myself. It may sound stupid, but I promise that it's brilliant. You'll just have to see it for yourself.

I swear to God, I was laughing so hard at myself that I got a headache.

You may be wondering what this is all about. It's simple, really: I write letters to things, some of which are offensive (the letters, not the things. Except for a few of them) and then I post a few of them at a time and you laugh and tell your friends that I'm a genius and then I get famous and rich and I don't have to look for a job anymore because looking for a job is a fruitless and painful process that is making me feel like I should just become an alcoholic so that I at least have something external to blame my failure on.

Are we clear?

Okay.

Thanks for reading.

-Allie

Dear Me;

You sounded like an idiot just then. You are confusing your readers and alienating them by pressuring them to make you famous.

It is not their responsibility.

Wait, yes it is - but you should make them want to make you famous instead of writing stupid little letters about how poor you are and how they should make you rich and famous out of pity.

I know that you have lost 4 pounds in the last two weeks because you can't afford real-person food, but you don't need to tell other people that. They don't have money either and they'll just feel bad for being unable or unwilling to help you which will make them retreat into denial about your existence and then they won't read your blog.

It's kind of like how you feel about those starving-children commercials - which is a topic that pretty much every funny person in the history of the world has joked about, but you are going to go right ahead and do it too, just because you think you did it differently. You didn't, by the way. You just said some unexpected things afterward. That's like putting a hat on Jesus and saying you invented Him (good catch with the capital H). Stop being a pompous asshole.

Okay, I'll agree with you that it is a good idea to test out how people will react to the words "Jesus" and "asshole" before you post your other letters. I know how excited you are to post them, so I commend you for showing a little self-restraint. Your audience will appreciate the awkward-but-present segue into the more offensive and disturbing branch of your sense of humor.

Well, you better post some of those letters you were talking about. Maybe post some of the really short ones. It'll be like a preview. But whatever you do - do not post the Jesus one or the one about Mexicans. I know, I know, I know - they really aren't that offensive, but people are really easy to offend and you want to be famous, remember? You don't get famous by being honest - at least most people don't. Maybe Abraham Lincoln. But not you. You have to ingratiate yourself to everyone. I know it's hard to restrain yourself, but just do it, okay? Please, please, please, please do it. Just for a little while. Just until you find out how many followers you'll lose from swearing and taking the Lord's name in vain. Pretty please?

Okay.

I have done all I can. I hope you choose to be smart about this. Good decisions are like making a deposit in the bank of your future. Really? That's the best you could come up with? You better hope that people think you are really funny because you definitely don't have a future in advertising or inspirational speaking.

Carry on.

-Allie

Dear Cup;

Thank you for being waterproof.

I'll talk to you later!

-Allie

Dear SuperBalls;

I am 24 and a half and I don't have a job. Please stop looking so goddamn fun. Thanks.

-Allie

Dear Inventor of Watermelon-Flavored Things;

Have you ever eaten watermelon?

Just wondering...

-Allie

Dear Me;

You did it! You didn't offend anyone's religion, ethnicity, culture or sexuality! I mean, if the inventor of watermelon flavor is one of your followers, he might be kind of pissed, but you managed to not offend people in swaths. I think that is an accomplishment. Go have some cake.

-Allie

I am finally coming to terms with the fact that I am not cut out to be a productive member of society.

I originally intended to become a doctor or medical researcher. I thought that I wanted to save people, discover things and change the world. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that I just want to sit on my couch in my underpants all day.

This is why I need you to make me famous by Thursday. Thursday is the day that I officially graduate from college. Back in January, I thought I would be ecstatic when this day finally came. I now realize that graduating is a huge mistake. I wish I could take it back, but I can't. At this point I can't even fail. I am starting to panic.

It doesn't have to be this way.

If my blog can become famous and profitable, I will be rescued from the brink of adulthood. If my blog becomes famous, it is possible that I will never have to wear pants again! You have no idea how much this would mean to me. I hate pants.

Here is what you can do to help:

*Wear a brown ribbon in honor of my cause (nobody has dibs on brown yet, right?) This will not only help me, but it will raise awareness for terminally adult people all over the world.

*Run down the street screaming about how awesome my blog is. Make sure to clearly annunciate the URL (spell it out if you have to.)

*Hang up a banner outside your door that says "help rescue the author of hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com from impending adulthood."

*Make flyers to support my cause. Neon green and yellow would probably be good background colors for the flyers you make. Just FYI.

*Take out a phonebook. Start dialing in the A's somewhere. Educate the call recipient about my plight. If they resist, ask them if they ever had a dream. Use their first name if it is listed. Try to use their nostalgia and insecurity over their broken dreams to get them on your side. But don't be inefficient! If you sense that the person is a heartless bastard who will not change their position no matter how much you plead, move on to the next name. This is a numbers game and you can't get them all.

*Call your local radio station. Dedicate a song to me - preferably "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey. Once again, make sure to clearly annunciate all syllables in my blog URL. I cannot stress how important this is.

That's all you have to do to assure that my future can be spent pants-less and happy! Is that too much to ask?

P.S. I am completely serious about this. How funny would it be if someone actually did some of these things? Even if I don't get famous, I would probably be able to live the rest of my life in complete happiness knowing that some person, somewhere did these things in my honor.

If you take a movie/picture of yourself doing any of these things, I will post it on my soon-to-be super famous blog along with a description of how awesome you are.

P.P.S. I wanted to tell you again that I am completely serious, just in case you didn't believe me.